Those who have faced the betrayal of her husband, describe their feelings in different ways. Thunder in the middle of the sky, out of the fire into the fire, like a blow on the head, there was nothing to breathe, and so on. But they all agree that such an unpleasant discovery is one of the most powerful blows in the life of a loving woman. Betrayal, trampled pride, quarrels, tears, divorces - this logical chain can continue indefinitely. And what to do next?
Situation analysis: is the husband really cheating?
First, make sure that this is treason, and not just imagination games drawn by your paranoid jealousy. Hardness is a great force, but as evidence, evidence is a worthless thing. Yes, most of them are changing. But is your husband really related to this set?
It should be warned that digging in the mobile phone, e-mail and pockets of her husband - an occupation that may be fascinating, but the sediment after it often remains disgusting. Thousand times think before you look for answers to your questions in such a way - you may not like it!
But here, as in the criminal court: in order to take the case to consideration and to condemn, it is necessary to make sure of the credibility of the evidence: personally to see how the husband kisses his mistress, read their co-mailers or overhear conversations. To build an opinion on guesses is non-constructive. One of the not very spy, but sometimes quite effective methods of "investigation" is to ask the question "on the forehead." Perhaps your husband will find convincing answers to your questions.
Overheard conversation:
The girl complains to her friend.
- Imagine, I read their SMS-correspondence! I even found out by the mobile phone number who she was, found out where she lives and what a nickname her dog has. He threw him out, but he unlocks it, says that he does not know such a thing, and nothing could have happened to them!
Sitting in the distance elderly girlfriend's father:
- Well done man! You always have to deny it! Do not disagree!
Be prepared for the fact that you will not hear the truth, even if you are sure that there is a rival. What to do in this case, when the lie is in the air, and the tail can not catch it?
Think first, analyze why it happened, whether the treason was one-time. Of course, to understand the situation makes sense only if you are ready to forgive your husband and stay with him or are close to it, but still doubt. And it's not about justifying or blaming either of you. Common thoughts refuse hatred, and its absence will make your life calmer in the event of a divorce, and in case the "walker" on the side will be forgiven. In any case, the final decision is better taken on a cold head.
So, why did the husband change and continue to change?
Decided to get distracted from problems in the family. Often, family problems drive a man to his mistress, as to an oasis, a spring in a big desert of problems. At home, his wife "saws", duties, tasks, household problems, all at once, as soon as he returns home from work.
But the mistress has no complaints and quarrels, but only romance and pleasure. He needs to relax and distract, and sex in such relationships is only an effect, and not a cause.
Fell in love. They met unexpectedly and unexpectedly, a great bright feeling arose. As a result of a rapidly developing novel, their relationship led to sex. This can be a fleeting impulse of feelings, and not only a serious and long relationship.
As an option: I met my school, institute love, a friend of my youth from a pioneer camp or even a kindergarten. At the sight of the former lover, feelings were awakened.
I got carried away. Here everything comes down to the intention to sleep. Your opponent does not interest him as a person, they do not even have much to talk about, but her figure, dress and manner are similar to his ideal of a woman and wake up in him erotic fantasies.
I got a spare airfield. She is always ready to be there, not asking for anything in return. He can always land here, because the houses are stormy, raining and other non-flying weather.
I felt young again and seductive. Men are afraid to grow old much more than we are. After so many years of family life, he cares about the idea, but if anyone else bites at his bait. Therefore, in this case treason is a game of self-esteem and self-affirmation. These are the most spontaneous cases that do not lead to long-term relationships, since the interest in them is purely sportive. You can not even learn about such a betrayal.
I decided to be a conqueror. This they have a sport such a conquest. In the Middle Ages, for example, foreign castles were conquered. In sports - they reach records. And the ranks in this sport sound, perhaps so: the champion of the village for a lot of sex or the record holder of the region for jumping on outsiders. Such people achieve their goals simply in order to win, they need a gold medal in the collection. Neither of which fault for the act of speech is not: they simply do not consider treason such adventures.
Got bored. Too everything is smooth and good at home. And Lovelace wants "borsch" in the usual soup menu. The best way to diversify the "diet" is choosing a mistress. Every meeting is an event, he prepares for it and waits impatiently. Candidacy and personal qualities of the passion - in the background, because this sex - just a dessert. Long-term communication is hardly possible, such relations quickly become boring.
He is a pathological traitor. He just got used to having a mistress, no matter how good or bad it was at home. Do not look for logic here - it's just its essence.
Thanks for something. Not only women are able to sleep with someone from gratitude! Perhaps the rival helps him in business, in business, or helped out at a difficult time. Well, how not to repay? Especially if the assistant is beautiful! Sex in this case becomes something like a payment for works, but, of course, does not cease to be a betrayal.
Convenient - service romance. He sees her more in time than you - many hours a day. So involuntarily and flare up feelings, growing into a novel. Such colleagues often turn out to be personal secretaries who are ready to satisfy literally any desire of the boss, or vice versa. But more often these are young female workers who scurry around in immodest outfits and not giving rest to unfortunate unstable men.
I decided to piss you off. If you have upset him or hurt him, the faithful can take revenge on you by committing treason. The same can happen if you changed the first - well, here finding fault with your husband is completely unfair! The subject chosen for revenge does not always meet the criteria of the ideal. The main thing is that she is a woman. A man who avenges himself in this way for resentment, looks like an insulted cat: no matter how things go any further, but he simply owes the slippers of the offender.
Provokes a divorce. If your marriage is more like a duty, and you can not dare to dissolve it, then treason can be the last straw in a crowded container. A mistress, chosen for such purposes, can turn out to be both an occasional one-time affair and your successor as wife.
What to do if the husband changes - advice of a psychologist
What not to do:
• Rolling "walker" scandals - a dead-end road. If there is no urine to keep emotions in yourself, then pour it on - earned, in the end. But scandal constantly, just for the sake of a quarrel, to arrange another bout - this means to poison life in the first place to yourself. Yes, and children, if you have them.
• Want to cry - cry! But try not to disrupt anger and resentment on others, friends, relatives, and, most importantly, children.
In any case, do not look for a mistress, "look at whom he exchanged for me," do not take revenge and do not make scandals.
• Get revenge on your husband and change him "in return" - a common desire. But his incarnation will not only not soothe, but will anger your inner demons even more.
• For those whose mother likes to repeat: "And I told you!" - in any case not to go to my mother!
What to do makes sense:
• Seek support from relatives, friends, and survive this stroke with their help.
• Speak, listen to advice, come to your senses.
• If there is an opportunity, at the time of reflection to live with her husband separately. Such an active stimulus will prevent you from thinking sensibly. And if you leave somewhere for a while, you can calmly think over your decision: to execute or pardon.
If the husband changes: to execute or pardon?
Imagine two scales. On one - long years of living together, a wonderful family, a romantic past, a stable future. On the second - the insulting, humiliating and full tearfulness of the present reality with betrayal. Decide what will outweigh. Perhaps the first cup will be much fuller. Or the second one will be so unreasonable that you can no longer look at this person and remember him.
Symbolic first cup. If your common behavior has led to the betrayal of your husband, and he sincerely regrets the committed and swears from now on in eternal fidelity, then you have a chance to start anew. Remember one thing: to forgive a spouse and forget his infidelity - two different concepts. Will you be able to trust your husband and return your relationship, having such a load in your soul and memory?
The symbolic second cup. If you understand that the husband's apology is crocodile tears, or he loves a mistress, and maybe you just can not forgive him, then obviously you'd better part, otherwise the burden of unforgiveness will crush and poison you both.
Answers to typical questions, those whose husband changes
We will answer those questions on a topic that are often asked in the forums and in the comments.
• What if my husband constantly changes me?
If you know that the husband is a pathological traitor, then you should understand that this will always be so. As they say, what can fix a hunchback? You know the answer. Therefore, there are two options for an exit from the situation: either you divorce your husband, or be ready to endure all your life. It is foolish to believe in any apologies and remorse, if the guilty again and again repeats his "random, nothing meaningless, ridiculous mistakes."
• What should I do if my husband cheats, but does not want to leave?
If the trader is okay, think about what keeps him at home? Love for you and the children? Fear of going "nowhere" or uncertainty about your opponent? In this situation, you need to think: who of you is comfortable and pleasant such a life. Does something hold with that husband of your own?
• What if my husband cheats on the Internet?
It happens that men have a romantic, cordial or even an intimate virtual with Internet young ladies. For some it seems a betrayal, others do not, but the very fact of such communication is very annoying. If you are the first, give the husband a chance and find out what this correspondence means to him, why he leads it and whether he considers it natural. The further decision is better to accept that results of the conversation: with whom he will have to terminate the relationship - with you or with her.
What to do if the husband changes: instead of the afterword
The only reason that divorce is permissible according to the Gospel is adultery. But even the church does not give a categorical order to divorce in case of treason, as neither the priest nor the psychologist can give such instruction, to which those married couples who are trying to save the marriage in any way come for salvation.
Nobody can make this choice for you. No adviser can be in your place, even if he was in a similar situation.
Yes, treason is a blow. This crack, which from now on will divide space into "before" and "after". Some are able to reconnect the two parts of the former whole, in others, over time, the fault only increases, leaving people on different edges of the abyss.
The writer F. Dostoevsky once said that in a truly loving heart or jealousy, love kills or love kills jealousy.
Listen to your heart and your mind. Only they are your most reliable advisors.
Even if the imprudent or deliberate act of a husband has divided your life into white and black, choose the white side of love or abandon this man forever, so as not to stay on the black side of eternal mistrust, resentment, reproaches and suspicions.