Parents are ready to do anything to grow a healthy and successful child: early development, sports from the cradle, discipline, the latest methods of education and training. We will also have to accept that it is impossible to control the outside world, which can harm a child. Starting with the state policy, to the kindergarten teacher.
However, few of us are ready to accept the fact that the greatest danger to the child is not the strangers, but the parents themselves. Psychologist and psychosomatologist Oksana Fortunatova about how the upbringing in the family affects the health of the child.
Psychosomatics of Education: 9 ways to destroy your child
Chinese toys, transgenic fats, a crisis in politics - so many dangers await the little man who has just come into this world!
However, do we think that the closest people can become the most dangerous enemies of the child?
Enemies strong, terrible and all-conquering.
Today, more and more children become habitues of medical offices: diagnoses are not established, treatment is bad, money is running out.
Allergies, gastritis, colds, scoliosis and other childhood illnesses are no longer perceived as a disease: the gardens are overflowing with sniffing noses and coughing babies, and abdominal pains and the curves of the backs of schoolchildren have long become the norm of the educational process. Significantly younger nervous tics, panic attacks, stuttering, obsessive movements.
According to the statistics of the World Health Organization 47% of patients suffer from psychosomatic disorders, and simply medical treatment will not help them.
Despite the fact that the International Classification of Diseases 10 provides a clear description of the psychosomatic disorders and psychogenic factors of the disease, our doctors are still reluctantly "digging" for these reasons.
How does the child develop psychosomatic disorder?
From a scientific point of view, psychosomatic disorder has:
- predisposition;
- "Favorable" environment for manifestation and development;
- trigger mechanism.
Education is a red line through all three components.
Why education, relationships are the main cause of health or illness of the child?
Let's start with birth.
The child is so arranged that his ability to comprehend, the ability to compare facts and draw conclusions, arise for years to 7-10.
How does the child perceive the world and the environment before this time?
Psychophysiologist Paul Macklin in the 70-ies on the basis of decades of research has developed a theory that the human brain in its historical development has passed certain stages. It began with a primitive education, further developing and becoming more complex.
The same process, but at an accelerated pace, undergoes the human brain from birth to maturity.
The child, being born, has well-developed reflexes (instincts), for which the ancient department-the reticular formation-is responsible. Paul Macklin on the basis of his research found a striking similarity of this structure with the brain of reptiles, and so the name "reptile brain" has taken hold.
Later, neuropsychologist Hugh Gerhard established the astonishing ability of the child to adapt to the mother. Literally "catching" her vital signs: palpitation, enlargement-narrowing of the pupils, pressure, timbre of the voice - the child reproduces it in himself!
What moves the baby? The survival instinct. Food, drink, protection, warmth, sleep, treatment - all in the hands of an adult. The child at 100% depends on his or her survival from the mother. Because nature laid the unique mechanism of their alignment: the mother through hormonal processes has an increased level of sensitivity to the child. The child through instinctive abilities "reads" the mother and maximally adapts to it. Actually, this is the mechanism of survival. However, what is important is what the child is tuned to: the mother's relationship with love and the attitude with irritation trigger absolutely different processes of development of the child's brain.
If love nurtures the powerful protective mechanisms of the future stress resistance in the child, irritation and hatred destroys them.
Alas, with the years this unconscious adjustment at the child does not leave. Yes, the child is growing and it seems that his "I" is being formed, but while he is defenseless to the world, he uses this adjustment to be "acceptable, necessary, accepted" and therefore fed, dressed and protected.
If the parent does not understand and does not control this process, it is likely that the child will learn to fake his feelings, just to be acceptable to the parent. In the future, this is the path to internal conflicts and possible psychosomatics.
"But what about the children shouting without stopping, leading their behavior to the hysteria of their parents?" - you ask. If you understand, they also respond to subconscious fears or expectations of parents. Often such a parent is sure: a child is a hard test, it's a lot of problems, it's scary and dangerous.
Have you noticed how many foreigners travel with newborns? Neither parents nor children even suspect that it is "hard, dangerous and stupid". They are just happy.
What can cause coldness, irritation or hatred of the mother? From hormonal imbalance - to unconscious concepts and attitudes, and the sooner the mother decides about this - the more chances for the well-being of the child.
Then the child grows, and the process of its "embedding" in the system of views and traditions of the family, then the education system, then the society as a whole, begins.
What traps are waiting for the parent here?
Most adults believe that a child is a reduced copy of an adult, with all the functions and abilities of an adult, simply not developed at all 100%.
This is a global misconception. The child is fundamentally different. And to expect from him what an adult can do, but at a discount to his age, is wrong.
In each period of the child's brain development, there are "disabled" functions for the time being, and there are those that the child uses now, but they completely "fall off" at an older age.
They need to know, they need to be guided, exposing the child's tasks and requirements.
This is a guarantee that parents will not cripple the child and will not miss the delays in his development.
If this is neglected - neurosis and the parent, and the child is provided.
Genetic predisposition is a complex and ambiguous mechanism. Most parents are sure that a child simply has to be like them.
Just think, just do the same, but what to waste time on - life is the same. However, this is practically impossible. The mechanism of protection against degradation is constructed by nature in such a way that the child is NOT LIKE to his parent. Was different. External similarity is rather a pleasant bonus in this process.
To accept or not to accept this dissimilarity is to lay the cause of harmony or mental disharmony of the child.
Tastes, friends, goals, way in life and much more for the child is chosen by the parent.
What does such a child get as a result? Psychosomatic disorders as a consequence of constant internal stress; mental disorders as a consequence of the destruction of personality structures.
The child up to 5-7 years absorbs the behavior of adults, trying on their abilities, not analyzing. This is the same process of survival: you want to live - conform.
Many parents believe that the child will grow up - we will start to educate: "then we will plant it, it will be repulsed".
A child from birth already absorbed everything on the example of parents and important adults for him. Automatically, deeply and irretrievably.
Whether the child is the soul of the company and the public figure in the school depends on how much parents are open to communication and participation in public life. He will be a freeloader or a support of the family, depends on what he saw in the parents' family. Whether he will be happy in a relationship with the opposite sex, depends on how the mother and father lived, and what effect this had on the child. And so in everything.
To be one, and the child to teach to be different is a psychophysiologically insolvent scheme.
"Life is complicated, parents plow to wear for the well-being of the child, not to the point of extortion!"
The most insidious trap.
From stress, the child will be protected and will help to get out of it, both in childhood and in adulthood, stress-limiting mechanisms, one of which is emotional and cognitive capital.
A child's sense of security is more important than the fact that his father listened and gave good advice, put things in order rather than ignored them, but they are expensive to feed and put on. It is the parental attention and help that will be laid off forever and will serve as an example for the following difficulties.
Positive emotions of every day: the joy of a delicious pie, the happiness of being able to run through puddles, hugs without a reason from mom, an incredible day off with your father - these are not just beautiful pictures. These are emotional bricks of perseverance and physical health.
To love and to love or demand and exact? Some prefer free education with a maximum of love and a minimum of demands, others - rigor and instruction in real life from the cradle.
However, if you do not keep the balance - the first can lead to neurotic depression in the future, and the second - to compulsive disorders.
The question of the balance of love and demands is a matter of a child's psychosomatic health.
The majority of parents practically do not ask themselves the question: "which educational system do I follow?"
This is a logical explanation: parents are happy with themselves and their parents bring up the way they were brought up by their parents.
Dissatisfied are brought up on the principle: "I will never be like my mom-dad."
And the first and second options do not guarantee the absence of errors, because no one estimates the parent system of education by the result: a healthy and happy person.
So it is generally accepted that "every man is his own smith", and health is generally a "dark forest". Therefore, in the education system as a cause of ill health and unhappiness, no one peeps.
Unfortunately this is not possible. Whatever the correct system of upbringing the parent chooses, but if as a person he feels unsuccessful, unhappy, the child will "overtake" the inferiority complex, and the loss and incapacity for relationships, and much more that torments the parent.
Source: ihappymama.ru