How to teach a child responsibility without imposing feelings of guilt and shame

When we paint the child in all colors of his offense, we exclaim: "How can you? How not ashamed? ", We want to teach him to answer for their actions. The child is still learning to distinguish between good and bad, and adults help him in this. They want to grow responsible and decent people.

But how does it happen that all the instructions and invocation of parents and teachers often lead to the opposite effect? The child has to apologize, but does nothing to correct his mistakes. He is consumed by a sense of guilt, shame and his own worthlessness. And then there is no time for correction.

Psychologist Anna Bykova believes that there is a big difference between "responsible person" and "guilty person". She tells how to bring up responsibility in the child, rather than develop a sense of guilt.

About shame, guilt and responsibility

Wines, I tell you, are very destructive. Destroys a person from within, destroys relationships. It remains as a bitter aftertaste even after forgiveness is received. "You are forgiven," they say to a man burdened with guilt, but his inner voice, without stopping, whispers: "I can not forgive myself for myself."

The wine grows to such an extent that the very friendship or partnership is called into question. It is very difficult to continue to communicate with a person, if next to him you feel only guilt. Therefore, it is important for a man to exterminate himself in guilt, until he ate a man's wine. But for some people it is wine that is a favorite feeling, a kind of golden ingot of "correctness". Such a person with pride and pathos says: "I always take the blame on myself! The guilt is felt by one in whom conscience is strong! "But here confusion begins, because conscience goes hand in hand with responsibility, and not with guilt.

Let's introduce now two categories of "Man Guilty" and "Man Responsible" and try to understand their differences. So, "The Guilty Man". He blames himself. He's sorry. Apologizes. He experiences his own "badness". "The Person Responsible." Solves the problem, seeks ways to eliminate the error, makes conclusions for the future. Responsibility is not about experiencing. This is about the actions.

The responsible employee suddenly noticed an error in his project. Without losing, he will simply correct it, think how it could happen, and, in order to avoid repeating this mistake, something will change in his work. The guilty worker simply will not find the strength to correct the mistake, because he will be completely consumed by the guilt: "I set my colleagues up! Everyone considers me guilty! I can not survive this shame! ". The result of this self-flagellation can be not only additional errors due to the transfer of attention to internal emotional discomfort, but also dismissal at will with a persistent conviction "I did not live up to trust!"

Forcing a child to blame, it is hardly worth waiting for that he will correct his mistake. It will not work if you do not specifically work on it, do not discuss with him the possibility of correction. The same happens if the child requires an apology, without delving into the reasons for his behavior: "Here's an insolent fellow! How could you strike Varya! Immediately apologize! "

Parents who have taught the child a formal apology, miss the main thing - it's just a word. A child who has learned and successfully uses the word "I'm sorry" gets used to not correcting his mistakes, but hiding behind a show of regret. Like, I have already apologized, what else do you want from me. But the older he gets, the less apology is expected of him. Instead of words of repentance, the adult world expects from a person specific actions that will correct the situation. And the word "I'm sorry" - to do this, unfortunately, does not know how. Accusing the child, unfortunately, it will not be possible to inculcate the responsibility.

But to hang the label "I'm bad" is even possible. With this tag, the child responds with a reflex: "Why try to do something, if I'm still bad?" Striving to teach the child responsibility through guilt, we as a result receive a portrait of a person unsure of himself and his actions. Do not immerse the child in a sense of guilt, but help him to understand the causes, consequences and come up with the possibility of correcting the situation.

The closest friend of guilt is shame. The roots of both feelings grow out of uncertainty, but each has its own distinctive features. Wines are a feeling that arises after an act, and shame comes from evaluating one's own "I" through the eyes of others. "It's my fault that I did it. And how ashamed that others have found out about it. "

Teach your child responsibility, without imposing feelings of guilt and shame:

  • Messages should not contain the evaluation of the child: "You're bad! You are irresponsible! You are untidy! "Evaluate not the child, but his actions:" Not the best thing. Here you could show responsibility. You can look better. "
  • Separate your feelings from the actions of the child. Do not "You disgrace me!", But "I feel uncomfortable, a feeling of embarrassment". Do not "You're upsetting me!", But "I'm upset when ..."
  • Do not analyze the misconduct of a child with witnesses. "Debriefing" only tete-a-tete. Otherwise, a sense of shame is instilled, not responsibility. Remember? Responsibility is confidence. Shame - uncertainty.
  • Do not get used to formally ask for forgiveness, but direct the child's thought into the channel "How can I correct the situation now?"
  • Always help the child understand the relationship between his actions and result.

Source: ihappymama.ru

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